The Difference Between Advising and Shaming by Al-Imaam Abdur-Rahmān

In The Difference Between Advising and Shaming, Al-Imaam Abdur-Rahmān delves into the nuanced differences between providing constructive advice and delivering harmful criticism.

This insightful book explores how the way we communicate can significantly impact others' emotional well-being and personal growth. Here are seven key lessons from the book that highlight the importance of delivering feedback with care and respect.

1. Intent Matters

The primary distinction between advising and shaming lies in the intent behind the words. Advising is aimed at helping and supporting the person, with the intention of fostering growth and improvement. Shaming, however, is designed to belittle and demean, often with the goal of making the person feel inferior. Understanding the intent behind feedback can make a significant difference in how it is received and its overall impact.

2. Respect and Dignity

Effective advising respects the recipient's dignity and self-worth. It focuses on providing constructive feedback in a way that maintains the person's sense of value. Shaming, in contrast, undermines an individual's self-esteem and can cause significant emotional harm. It's crucial to ensure that feedback is delivered with respect, preserving the person's dignity while guiding them towards improvement.

3. Constructive vs. Destructive

Constructive advising offers actionable feedback that can lead to improvement and personal growth. It provides specific suggestions for change and encourages the recipient to make positive adjustments. Shaming is inherently destructive, often leaving the person feeling demoralized and without a clear path forward. Effective feedback should aim to be constructive, offering solutions and support rather than criticism that only discourages.

4. Focus on Behavior, Not Person

When advising, the focus should be on addressing specific behaviors or actions that can be improved. This approach separates the individual's actions from their identity, making the feedback about what they did rather than who they are. Shaming, on the other hand, targets the person's character or identity, making the criticism personal and hurtful. By concentrating on behavior, advising maintains a clear and actionable approach to feedback.

5. Empathy and Understanding

Good advice is rooted in empathy and understanding. It takes into account the recipient's circumstances and feelings, aiming to offer support tailored to their situation. Shaming lacks this empathy and often disregards the individual's context. Providing feedback with empathy ensures that the advice is relevant and supportive, helping the person feel understood rather than judged.

6. Encouragement vs. Discouragement

Advising should be encouraging, motivating the recipient to improve and strive towards their goals. It is meant to uplift and support, fostering a positive outlook on the feedback process. Shaming, in contrast, discourages and can lead to a decrease in self-esteem and motivation. Effective feedback should aim to inspire and encourage, rather than diminish confidence and enthusiasm.

7. Long-term Impact

The long-term impact of advising versus shaming is significant. Advising, when done thoughtfully, builds trust and encourages continuous improvement. It fosters a positive relationship and supports ongoing growth. Shaming, however, can have lasting negative effects, damaging relationships and causing emotional scars that may persist over time. The way feedback is delivered can influence future interactions and personal development, making it essential to approach it with care.

The Difference Between Advising and Shaming offers valuable insights into how we communicate feedback and the profound effects it can have. By understanding these key lessons, we can improve our ability to provide support and guidance in a way that uplifts and empowers rather than diminishes and harms.

BOOK: Get your copy of The Difference Between Advising and Shaming by Al-Imaam Abdur-Rahmān here